cranky

I'm in a pissy mood today.

Let me say that for the past few days I've been worried about someone who wasn't answering my messages. I am not the kind of person who gets insecure and starts to think, "what did I do?" if someone begins to avoid me. So I began to think that there was either something wrong with him, because it's just rude to ignore messages for days, or something wrong with his phone. As each day crept into the next and my phones were silent I began to get a nagging pit in my stomach. But I said I'd leave it alone. I'm not a psychobitch type and unless he's dead, which I can't do anything about anyway, I'll assume he doesn't want to contact me.

Still, I was a bit annoyed when he called this morning like nothing was wrong. I suppose I put him on the defensive because we argued about some stupid shit. Turns out there apparently WAS something wrong with his phone but I didn't quite get the story because of the argument about stupid shit. There were a lot of stories I didn't get. This annoys me because then he'll begin to make assumptions about things he thinks I know and we'll have more stupid arguments.

One of the arguments we had was about my expectations about people. I was supposed to meet a guy tonight for a burger and beer, someone I'd started talking to on craigslist.org a few weeks ago. Then he just cancelled. "The usual, work" is the reason he gave. My attitude is that I give everyone one chance to disappoint me. Even this guy thinks that's fair but my friend thinks I'm being harsh on people.

I went out of my way to volunteer to meet this person on the evening he specified, driving twice as far as he did, at anytime and anyplace he named, on the sole condition that it involve dinner (a good burger) and not just a drink. When he cancelled, I actually found myself appreciative of the fact that it was done with enough notice that I could make other plans for dinner (what does THAT say about the low standard I've become accustomed to?). I understand that things come up but when I have plans with a friend, they are etched in stone, as opposed to business obligations, which can always be rearranged. After all, in the end, gathered around my bedside I hope will be my friends, not the software programs I've written. I suppose I figure that if you don't consider my time valuable enough to follow through on, either I haven't communicated my sense of worth to you properly, or you're simply not worthy of my time. Even spending my time alone is preferable to me over spending it with someone who doesn't see the value in me.

Now this may seem hypocritical to anyone wondering why I'm on the fence with regard to my trip to see A, but not if you consider that I was willing to spend money I didn't have just to see someone I care about for no real reason. There are a few other considerations with this too, both of which involve other relationships with other people. I had hoped to do something with another friend earlier that week that I was supposed to see A, but there's no way I can do both. And, of course, I still have to be a mom. I'm sensitive about shipping the Boy Child off to his father or someone else too often so that I can do things entailing gratuitous enjoyment.

Anyway, all of this will be moot if A doesn't get back to me with what flight times work for her. I also asked her if the other weekend she had originally proposed works, since one of my sources for a free ticket is available that weekend but not the first (thank you to that source, you know who you are), but it won't be available for long.

I suppose that I simply need to accept that I get cranky when there are details left up in the air. I don't like anyone else deciding my schedule for me, and if people make changes in their schedules which affect me, I want to know about them as soon as possible so that I can adapt. This is an aspect of my personality that I need to accept and to stress to others that it's just part of who I am.

What is still up for debate is whether I can or should correllate the notion that when people do not tell me about their own schedule changes which impact my own, it is an affront to me which I should take personally. I feel that there is a common courtesy lacking in this world and not only would I not make a change in plans without notifying someone as soon as possible afterwards, it's more likely that I would not make the change in plans without notifying them FIRST. Maybe that's because I would rather suffer than make someone else uncomfortable, or because they might have a suggestion for a compromise which hadn't occurred to me.

Opinion seems to be split on this. I've been told that I'm going to be old and alone if I take this approach of finding it hard to repeatedly forgive people for affecting my plans. On the other hand, the person who bailed on me for tonight wrote me, "OK, I burned my one chance. Fair enough. I can relate to the effort thing. I always go out of my way for people, literally, and never seem to get the same effort back. You're not wrong. You seem like a genuine person to me and as someone told me, don't ever change because others aren't the same. That's what makes you. I try to stick to that, but it does get hard to do. It seems after a while that everyone is taking advantage of you. I appreciate your value for making effort."

Maybe this is just bullshit so he'll get a second chance, but once I start giving second chances, it's precedence for giving people the chance to screw me three, four, five, six more times. Maybe I've been too influenced by my current reading of Atlas Shrugged, and I believe that my moral premises are correct and that I will not bow to public perception simply because it's louder than my own inner voice. But if I can't stay strong in my faith in myself during a storm of loneliness and bad influences, it's no strength. I'm not going to sleep with anyone I have no respect for just because I need the sex, and I'm not going to waste my time with anyone who doesn't appreciate the value of my company. I would much rather be alone than a whore for the attention of others.

still no better

I'm running out of coping strategies for getting rid of a bad mood. It's like when you get chronic headaches and build up a tolerance to Tylenol.

I'm still not even sure why I'm in this mood, whether it's being ditched for tonight or the argument I had with my friend that's still hanging over my head like a black cloud. Or maybe it's neither in particular, but both serving to reinforce that I have a choice of being alone in my opinion of my self worth or lowering it to the standards which would mean others would be happier being around me.

Work today is like an annoying insect I just want to brush aside.

I was going to go car shopping tomorrow. I still plan to, but I'm afraid that my irritability with thinking about it for so long - "analysis paralysis" as one of you called it - will just lead me to make a decision JUST to have made a decision. That's not what I want to do. Ironically, I was originally hoping to combine it with lunch with the friend I argued with today. That's out of the question so I'll pack a lunch instead.

Is it other people I don't forgive? Or is it myself I don't forgive for letting other people hurt me?

I need A's wise advice and hours of See Her Squirt girl talk. She emailed me briefly today just to let me know the other weekend we'd originally talked about was still open. One of my very generous blog readers offered to donate miles he wasn't going to use anyway and so I was leaning towards switching the weekend of my visit. After 20 years, A knows what's in my head better than I do. The best part is that she can answer my emotional anguish about certain things without me bearing the pain of letting it out. Her only shortcoming is that she doesn't have children and can't counsel me as well there as she can with the divorce and with the prospects of new relationships and taking a chance on a new career.

Unfortunately, A found out just a few days ago that her cousin, who is our age, tested positive for the cancer they thought she had kicked a few years ago. So she's on edge waiting for test results and diagnoses. Her cousin went to high school with us too so she's no stranger to me. That's one more thing I don't want to think about; a 30-something mom dying of cancer.

Do people who live their whole lives alone but who don't compromise their principles end up happier than the ones who have become someone they aren't, surrounded by people who proclaim to love them for reasons that aren't true?

Maybe I should just go home, make my dinner, take my bath and go to bed. I can't handle all the questions my mind is asking me today. I feel like a dry erase board with questions and equations all over it, markers coming ever closer wielded by many, many hands, and no sign of an eraser anywhere.

long days

Days where I've had such emotional extremes are exhausting to me. It's just after 8 and I'll leave the office soon. It was a waste since I got so little done today, distracted by the voices in my head, trying to tell me what to worry about and not worry about.

I have a bitch of a headache. Of course, that could be from going from overeating over Easter weekend to readjusting to my normal 800-calorie a day diet. Or it could be because I haven't been sleeping so well.

Last night, I wanted to cry and I couldn't. I wanted to masturbate but I couldn't think of anything to excite me. Tonight at least I think I'll get that cry in.

I sent my friend a text message and an email to apologize. He didn't respond and I don't really expect him to, at least not without a lecture about the issues that I have and that he can't deal with them. I feel badly about that. I know I have issues and I try to keep them to myself, but I do have some friends that I'm comfortable enough to open up to, even when it leads to this kind of rejection.

I hate it when I put people I care about through some kind of pain in a misguided attempt to alleviate my own.

I feel lonely tonight, but mostly because I know that I will feel this lonely for a very long time to come.