cranky

I'm in a pissy mood today.

Let me say that for the past few days I've been worried about someone who wasn't answering my messages. I am not the kind of person who gets insecure and starts to think, "what did I do?" if someone begins to avoid me. So I began to think that there was either something wrong with him, because it's just rude to ignore messages for days, or something wrong with his phone. As each day crept into the next and my phones were silent I began to get a nagging pit in my stomach. But I said I'd leave it alone. I'm not a psychobitch type and unless he's dead, which I can't do anything about anyway, I'll assume he doesn't want to contact me.

Still, I was a bit annoyed when he called this morning like nothing was wrong. I suppose I put him on the defensive because we argued about some stupid shit. Turns out there apparently WAS something wrong with his phone but I didn't quite get the story because of the argument about stupid shit. There were a lot of stories I didn't get. This annoys me because then he'll begin to make assumptions about things he thinks I know and we'll have more stupid arguments.

One of the arguments we had was about my expectations about people. I was supposed to meet a guy tonight for a burger and beer, someone I'd started talking to on craigslist.org a few weeks ago. Then he just cancelled. "The usual, work" is the reason he gave. My attitude is that I give everyone one chance to disappoint me. Even this guy thinks that's fair but my friend thinks I'm being harsh on people.

I went out of my way to volunteer to meet this person on the evening he specified, driving twice as far as he did, at anytime and anyplace he named, on the sole condition that it involve dinner (a good burger) and not just a drink. When he cancelled, I actually found myself appreciative of the fact that it was done with enough notice that I could make other plans for dinner (what does THAT say about the low standard I've become accustomed to?). I understand that things come up but when I have plans with a friend, they are etched in stone, as opposed to business obligations, which can always be rearranged. After all, in the end, gathered around my bedside I hope will be my friends, not the software programs I've written. I suppose I figure that if you don't consider my time valuable enough to follow through on, either I haven't communicated my sense of worth to you properly, or you're simply not worthy of my time. Even spending my time alone is preferable to me over spending it with someone who doesn't see the value in me.

Now this may seem hypocritical to anyone wondering why I'm on the fence with regard to my trip to see A, but not if you consider that I was willing to spend money I didn't have just to see someone I care about for no real reason. There are a few other considerations with this too, both of which involve other relationships with other people. I had hoped to do something with another friend earlier that week that I was supposed to see A, but there's no way I can do both. And, of course, I still have to be a mom. I'm sensitive about shipping the Boy Child off to his father or someone else too often so that I can do things entailing gratuitous enjoyment.

Anyway, all of this will be moot if A doesn't get back to me with what flight times work for her. I also asked her if the other weekend she had originally proposed works, since one of my sources for a free ticket is available that weekend but not the first (thank you to that source, you know who you are), but it won't be available for long.

I suppose that I simply need to accept that I get cranky when there are details left up in the air. I don't like anyone else deciding my schedule for me, and if people make changes in their schedules which affect me, I want to know about them as soon as possible so that I can adapt. This is an aspect of my personality that I need to accept and to stress to others that it's just part of who I am.

What is still up for debate is whether I can or should correllate the notion that when people do not tell me about their own schedule changes which impact my own, it is an affront to me which I should take personally. I feel that there is a common courtesy lacking in this world and not only would I not make a change in plans without notifying someone as soon as possible afterwards, it's more likely that I would not make the change in plans without notifying them FIRST. Maybe that's because I would rather suffer than make someone else uncomfortable, or because they might have a suggestion for a compromise which hadn't occurred to me.

Opinion seems to be split on this. I've been told that I'm going to be old and alone if I take this approach of finding it hard to repeatedly forgive people for affecting my plans. On the other hand, the person who bailed on me for tonight wrote me, "OK, I burned my one chance. Fair enough. I can relate to the effort thing. I always go out of my way for people, literally, and never seem to get the same effort back. You're not wrong. You seem like a genuine person to me and as someone told me, don't ever change because others aren't the same. That's what makes you. I try to stick to that, but it does get hard to do. It seems after a while that everyone is taking advantage of you. I appreciate your value for making effort."

Maybe this is just bullshit so he'll get a second chance, but once I start giving second chances, it's precedence for giving people the chance to screw me three, four, five, six more times. Maybe I've been too influenced by my current reading of Atlas Shrugged, and I believe that my moral premises are correct and that I will not bow to public perception simply because it's louder than my own inner voice. But if I can't stay strong in my faith in myself during a storm of loneliness and bad influences, it's no strength. I'm not going to sleep with anyone I have no respect for just because I need the sex, and I'm not going to waste my time with anyone who doesn't appreciate the value of my company. I would much rather be alone than a whore for the attention of others.